Billy Bounders Alternate Universe

My Fantasy Porn Scenes that Need to Get Shot!!!!!!

2011-04-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

I got to thinking the other day. I have my list of favorite porn stars that I try to follow. While pondering my favorite babes of naked digital media, I realized that many of my favorite stars have never done scenes together, or if they have, I have not seen those particular scenes. So I have put together a list of folks I want to see work together. My goal is to get one of the major internet porn companies to film the scene. I think it would be really cool if Brazzers, Naughty America, Bang Bros, Reality Kings, and other companies would film the scenes I want to see. Because yes, my opinion is that awesome.

Now, there is a chance that the talent below have shot scenes together before, since 21 millions scenes are shot each week. If you know of a scene with the following actors listed below in it, please let me know when and for whom it was shot. I cannot offer a monetary prize, but I promise if you find one of these scenes for me, I will scream out your name during my next orgasm.

Scene 1 – Madelyn Marie, Kortney Kane, and Jenaveve Jolie.

Seriously, can you imagine how incredibly how that scene would be? There would be no male needed in the scene, because his dick would melt off in sheer hotness. I wonder if Panteen would ever want to do a porn related commercial, but that would be the most incredible mass of hair in 1 scene ever. If one of the porn companies does decide to shoot this scene, I will do the actresses hair for free. See – already turning a bigger profit!

For the record, Madelyn and Kortney have already said they would love to do this shoot. In the immortal words of Captain Pickard, “Make it so!”

Scene 2 – Christina Carter and Kristina Rose

Oh yeah, this makes my sadist blood boil. Kristina Rose has this devilish horny energy about her, and she almost always gets cast in the sub role (mostly by Kink.com). I think Miss Rose would make the most excellent femdom, and who better to work with than the fetish goddess of our generation, Christina Carter. I mean really, the woman is a legend in the bondage world and arguably the most perfect female specimen on the planet. God I am so love with that woman! Put these 2 ladies together and my friggin laptop would combust and burn up. Yummy.

Scene 3 – Darla Crane, Julia Ann, and some random dude.

I would call this one MILF Madness!! Now I LOVE the fact that there are more working porn stars past the age of 30 than ever before. People who think all starlets are washed up by 23 don’t understand just how sexy and sensuous experienced women can be. Now take Darla and Julia Ann, who both have this INCREDIBLE passion and energy in their scenes, and throw in some dude with a big cock for them to use. I promise that the heat from this scene would light up a major city for 8 to 10 hours.

Scene 4 – Dana Vixen and James Deen

Now if any of these scenes have been shot, it might be this one. While I love Kink.com, it is the most expensive site on the web, and I can’t afford all of their sites. But Dana and James together would be absolute magic. I have this gigantic crush on Ms. Vixen (yes, she is aware, and no, no restraining order yet), and Deen is probably the most intense dude in the business right now, especially when it comes to rougher sex scenes. He is also into tats, tits, and ass, and Dana has those 3 things in heavenly proportions. I would prefer that SexandSubmission,com shoot this scene, but I promise a new subscription to any company that can make this happen.

I can even see James’ blog following the shoot – “I banged Dana Vixen today. It was hot. Then I had a burrito. It was good.”

Scene 5 – Sophie Dee, April O’Neal, and London Keys

Ok so why these three girls together? First off, as you can tell, I OBVIOUSLY like gg and ggg scenes. These 3 ladies are just the cutest girls out there now. They always look so sweet and innocent, and then they fuck! It’s an incredible gift each of them possesses. Now imagine that power times 3!!! YUM!!!! Try to tell me that it would not be one of the hottest scenes ever shot. I could see these 3 in a PowerBuff Girls porn parody (oh, what a fucking great idea). There are 1000 different things you could do with all of that cuteness. Someone would make a fortune off of it!

OK, those are my fantasy porn scenes. What are yours? Which never before scenes would you like to see?

The Best HAIR in Porn - The Top 7

2011-03-21T08:10:00.000-07:00

According to Wikipedia (the source of all knowledge in the universe), I have a condition called Trichophilia, which is sexual obsession with hair. I am a hair FREAK! It is my absolute favorite part of the female body. There are times when the close up of the vajayjay is distracting because I want to see the hair. It is the top fetish for 7% of humans, so I know I am not alone.

I tend to prefer long hair, but as long as it is pretty and healthy looking, length is not the determining factor. Color does not matter either. It just has to me touchable and HOT!!!

So I got to thinking a few weeks ago – who has the best hair in porn today? Which lovely actress has the best tresses? (say that fast 5 times) I started to make a list of my favorite porn stars based on hair, and I quickly had over 50 names on my list. So after a great deal of debate with myself (a.k.a. Multiple Personality Disorder), I have come up with a list of my top 7 girls in porn with fantastic hair. There is no real set of criteria, other than I tried to focus on people who are currently or recently have been in the biz (Sorry Hyapatia Lee).

7. Dana Vixen

For those of you who might not watch a lot of the BDSM porn, you are missing out on one luscious babe. Dana is a favorite of Kink.com and performs often on her web cam show, and has some magnificent thick brown hair. If you want to see what I am talking about, Google her or check out her web site. She is delicious.

6. Lupe Fuentes

Little Lupe is one of the prettiest ladies in porn today. Famous for looking about 8 years old, this chick has some serious hair. Gotta love the Latin women!

5. Isis Love

Ah, my fetish queen has a fantastic head of hair! Long, thick, and always looking fantastic. When it comes to her hair, I prefer some of her mainstream work, but her hair looks good when flogging chicks too. And Isis darling – I FAR prefer you as a brunette than a blonde. The darker color works better for you, in case you were wondering.

4. Stacy Havoc

Now I was debating young Miss Havoc, because I never seen her actually perform porn, except when she jerked off a guy with a crab hand puppet. But her long black hair is crazy hot. She is better than the sex in Money Talks. By far!!! Hey Stacey – what’s your price?

3. Kortney Kane

Holy cow this girl is HAWT!!! I mean DAMN. I have never seen a shoot with Kortney where her hear did not look spectacular. And it looks the absolute best when it is not styled at all – just long, straight, and perfect. This girl is a goddess, and if she ever cut her hair short, I would take a hostage.

2. Jenaveve Jolie

Holy Smokin’ Latina Batman! Miss Jolie (who is 10000000 times hotter than that “famous” Jolie woman) has one of the most spectacular heads of hair in the biz. Long, dark, shiny, and totally smoking hot. Absolutely fantastic.

1. Madelyn Marie

What can you say about Madelyn? She might be the prettiest person walking on planet Earth today. Her body and her smile are unmatched, but her hair literally takes my breath away. Long, brown, and perfectly flawless. I want to die and be reincarnated as her brush. Truly the best head of hair that I’ve seen in years – porn or not.

Now I know what a lot of you are thinking. All brunettes? No Asians? No redheads? I KNOW! Weird, isn’t it. But as I was perusing hundreds of pictures and videos, these were the top girls that appealed to my particular fetish. Like I said, I had over 50 girls on my original list, and I LOVE YOU ALL LADIES!!!! But for me, this is the best list.

Who are your favorites? Who did I leave out that deserves to be on this list? Let me know – if you convince me, I’ll update the list.

How to behave properly in the men's bathroom at work

2011-03-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

Hello gang! I know I said I was going to do a good job of keeping my blog updated, but what are you doing to do? I’ll try to do better, but it would help me if some of you ladies wanted to encourage me with an incentive, like a blow job per blog. If you are interested in blowing me for the sake of hysterical reading material, call me!

Onto a really disturbing subject, well at least for us men – Public Bathroom Etiquette. Guys, we need to learn what is and is not acceptable in the shitter room at work.

Ladies – this is a post about what happens in the men’s bathroom. I am in denial that women ever have to shit. I don’t want to think about hot babes pinching loafs, so bear with me and just laugh at how stupid guys are.

#1 – Talking to other guys in the bathroom.

Here is the official rule. If you are in the “lobby area” of the bathroom (the area outside of the stalls) or at the sinks, it is perfectly fine to acknowledge a fellow bathroom attendee. But once you enter the stall, conversation ends! I do not want to sit with my pants at my ankles and talk to other guys with their pants at their ankles. When you willie is out around other grown men, I don’t want to hear your voice or acknowledge you. Not only can I not piss with a dude talking to me, it just gives me the heebies jeebies. No talking while in the stalls!

#2 – Masturbation

Ok, guys go to the bathroom every day and jerk off. If asked we will deny it to the bitter end, but we all do it. All of us. No exceptions. And ladies, your coworker men are thinking about YOU when they are whacking off. Just letting you know.

It is especially important to observe rule #1 while spanking the sausage in the bathroom. While I am deep in Isis Love fantasy mode, the last thing I want to hear is some dude talking about some boring meeting he just sat through. It’s a complete buzz kill. If someone asks me “How’s it hanging Billy?” while I am in the stall, I simply say “It’s not hanging Joe. It’s rock hard and I am stroking it while I think about how I fucked your wife last week.” That usually shuts them up.

The key to proper public bathroom masturbation is to be a ninja. You want to be as stealth as possible. You can make all of the contorted faces that you need to as long as your legs are still and there is no sound coming from the general cock area. Make sure to control all grunting, or the guy sitting 3 feet from you will know that you are tugging the tight rope. You need to be a cock stroking mime, except you don’t just pretend to pull the rope.

So guys, don’t talk to me when my pants are around my ankles. When I am in the can, I am not interested in witty banter or stories about your ugly kids. Just met me shit and jerk off in Privacy!

Thank you!

Movie Review - My first and probably last

2010-03-28T14:45:00.000-07:00

I have never written a movie review about a porn movie. Because really, what's the point? I can sum up every porn movie of the last 10 years like this:
- Opening Credits
- Scene 1 - people fuck
- Scene 2 - more people fuck
- Scene 3 - Continual fucking
- Scene 4 - Knock knock. Who's there? People fucking.

But every now and then you see a movie that really makes a difference in your life. It could be because a scene triggers an event in your life, or someone says something that really touches your heart. Or it could be some brand new really hot piece of ass actress makes you wanna beat your meat. The fact is that a porn movie can actually (albiet rarely) can actually be more than just fucking. I know, it's hard to believe, but it's true.

I recently had the pleasure of seeing "Penny Flame's Expert Guide to Rough Sex". Hands down, this is the most educational orn movie ever made. My partner and I are both fans of rough sex and BDSM. What Penny does in this flick is truly amazing - she breaks down the proper techiques of how to properly engage in rough sex with your partner. She demonstrates how to be extreme without causing pain, and she explains why rough sex is so appealing to so many. From slapping to spanking to bondage, thisfkick demonstrates how to maximize you partner's pleasure as you slap them around (or get slapped around).

And for christ's sake, you get to see Penny in some really really hot rough sceens. I mean damn, is there a sexier woman on the planet? She can be dominant or submissive, and either way it is first class meat-beating material.Lets just say that I had to watch this movie 3 times before I get all the way through. Penny Flame is a goddess as she shows how rough sex is done properly.

Like I said, I'm not one to write a decent review, but next time you go to your local porn rental place, check out this movie. I know many of my followers are BDSM folks, and this movie will really enhance your sex life.

Plus, you can beat it to Penny Flame, which is never a waste of time!!

Why I could never make it in porn

2010-03-13T17:21:00.001-08:00

First off, let me make one thing perfectly clear. I love porn. Love it. Love love love it. Adore it. There is nothing more beautiful in the world than watching a gorgeous woman having sex, whether it is with a man, a woman, 2 men, 2 women, 2 women and a man, 2 men and 2 woman, or 6 guys and a midget. I love it all. I am a big fan of BSMD kinky stuff, as well as romantic loving porn, or just some good old fucking. Porn is fantastic. Yea porn!

My woman and I watch porn together. She is into women too, and we compare which women we would want to do. If you think porn is hot when you watch it alone, try watching it with a real life woman. I know thousands of guys either don't have a real life woman or have to hide their porn from their real life woman, but I highly recommend finding a real life woman that will watch porn with you. It seriously beats jerking your meat alone in the dark. Trust me.

Like any other guy who watches porn, I fantasize about having sex with the beautiful ladies on the screen. Porn lets you see what the prettiest women on the planet look like nekkid, and I take full advantage of that. When it comes to fantasies, I have had some real humdingers.

But there is not a single moment that I ever believe that I could be having actual sex with any of these beautiful porn actress women. No matter how great my fantasy might be, it will remain a fantasy. To summarize, here is why I could never make it as a porn actor.

REASON #1: To quote a line from The Water Boy, "I am not a handsome man!". Unfortunately, I was not blessed with a face that anyone wants to look at, and my naked body would scare most porn actresses into celibacy. Notice that all of the porn guys are good looking dudes? I've never seen a porn movie with a real life Best Buy computer salesman porking some young hottie. (I don't work at Best Buy, by the way).

REASON #2: The second reason is my pecker. You can tell how big a guy's Johnson is by how he refers to it. If he called it his "penis", you better break out the magnifying glass. "Dick" is regular sized – not impressive, but at least it is not a "penis". If a guy calls his member a "cock", then he is packing some meat. These are the guys who are hung like a horse. I've always wanted a "cock", but I was stuck with the lower end of the "dick" scale. My little buddy is a full 6 inches, sometimes 6 ¼ when watching a Christina Carter video. But I am woefully short of having a "cock".

And no guy in porn has a 6 inch dick. Have you seen these guys lately? Most guys in porn don't have "cocks", they have Hillshire Farms Summer Sausages! Those frigging cocks are HUGE! Jesus Christ! I've never had a vagina, but I can imagine taking a Volkswagon up mine if I did. When these guys get hard, I don't understand why they don't pass out. There can't be any blood left in their veins.

Me and my little buddy could never make it in the porn world. And they don't make push up bras for little dicks to look better.

REASON #3: Let's just call it "staying power". It blows me away that porn scenes last anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes of fucking and sucking. In my world, anything past 4 minutes of uninterrupted touching of my dick qualifies as a marathon. How the hell do these guys last that long? In the same amount of time that the average male porn star has sex, I can have sex, pay the bills, mow the front lawn, and make it back for the cum shot. Holy cow! If I could last that long in the sack, my little dick might be so much of an issue.

I could never make 1 long porn movie – I'd have to make lots and lots of short porn movies instead.

REASON 4: The 4^th reason I could not make it in porn is the grooming required to be a porn star. Don't get me wrong, I shower as much as the next guy, and I pride myself on lack of body odor. But it you watch a lot of porn, you realize that the guys don't have any pubic hair. Their crotch is as bare Bruce Willis's head. Not a single pube to be found anywhere.

Which brings me to my point – there is no way in hell that I am shaving my testies. Never. Nada. No way. Not gonna do it. Listen, I have a beard because I hate to shave my face, and my face is WAY less sensitive than my ball sack. The thought of taking a cold razor to my twigs and berries gives me the shivers. If I were to cut myself down there, I would panic and call 911, and then some ugly paramedic named Reg would come and tape up my balls. And as exciting as that might be for Reg, it just ain't happening.

So to summarize, I could never make it in the world of porn. And my limitations make me admire those who are in the industry even more. It takes a huge amount of courage, strength, patience, and self assuredness to fuck on camera so people like me can fantasize about joining in. But let's keep the fantasies in Fantasyland, and real sex in the real world. Well, at least until some mad scientist invents "Grow Ray" that will transform my dick into a summer sausage.